What is it that tells Apache that "application/x-httpd-php" means "php5_module"?
The code in the module.
Well you just have a smart answer for everything, don't you.
I have randomly decided it's the fault of the stupid cobalt .pkg so I'm gonna just SSH in and build PHP from the source, like a real man. The pkg probably installed the i686 binaries because I'm running the Raq550 OS. The Raq4 hardware is only i386 (K6-2 450mhz!). I was warned this might be an issue. Good thing I pay such close attention to warnings. Also, good thing I've decided to use a weird server appliance as my second Linux experience, rather than a nice vanilla white box PC with a common distro. At least it's a step up from my previous Linux server, a Cobalt Qube2 with a 250mhz MIPS. Talk about SLOW.